As a long-time creator and entrepreneur, I’m big on the future. Goals draw me forth into a hopeful vision of what I want. You may also have a vision or goal drawing you forth, dosed with an equal amount of “know-how” to help you achieve your desires..
And then enters the unknown, that unexpected obstacle. How do you relate to the unknown? Some people love the unknown and see it as an opportunity. Some over-prepare as a way to hedge the unknown and others are paralyzed by a fear that leaves them limp, distracted or angry.
You can find the same three-step dance in conversation: 1. desire 2. know-how and 3. the unknown.
The difference being that, in conversation all three are entangled in a rapturous complex opera of self, histories or lack of history, sense of safety, likes, dislikes, judgments, assumptions, conscious and unconscious conversation patterns and habits, the list goes on.
Desire is the raw material of conversation and one’s raison d’etre. The known is comfortable, safe, seen, understood, on the surface or conscious. The unknown is uncomfortable, unsafe, unseen, unacknowledged or unconscious.
The Known
Just like when we are moving toward our goals in life, in conversation, most of us stay on marked roads of our know-how, hoping there are no eroded cliffs around the corner. Since there are no actual roads in conversation, we can think of “the known” or visible parts of conversation as the metaphorical marked roads of the conversation.
The known is what we know about ourselves and others. For example, you know you feel free to talk with some people and not others, or when you trust someone, or when someone is generous. You can also know Bob talks a lot and sucks all the air out of the room, or that Carley will not think highly of your ideas, or Avery won’t hear you. In transformational teaching of Landmark Education, they call this Already Always Listening. We call it the Road to Know-Where.
Staying on the Road to Know-Where can cut you off from the potential vast nooks and crannies of conversation. It is the nature of knowing to know we are right. It is laden with righteousness. Is it a coincidence that the word “know” is a homophone of the word “no”; as in “No! I’m right!”
Our sense of knowing isn’t necessarily bad. It helps us feel secure in where we stand, and when we feel secure, we can relax and this is quite functional. We typically use much less energy in communications with our in-group, where our “knowing” is the same.
But…..
The Unknown
What about the unknown? How can the unknown be harnessed and played with in conversation so a more vast landscape can be discovered and we can deal with those washed out cliffs when we get to them.
First let’s look more closely at the unknown.
There is what you don’t know about yourself. During the course of conversation, we often aren’t conscious of how we are feeling or what we are thinking. We aren’t aware of our conversation habits and patterns in the moment and may not even know what they are. For example: maybe you aren’t aware that you are checking out or that you think the other person isn’t credible (perhaps it’s even an unconscious racial or gender bias).
There is also what you don’t know about the other. For example, you don’t know how Bob came to his opinion or what’s at stake for him (or you may think you know). Or you don’t know what people feel is appropriate or normal (even though you think you know).
This is where the fun begins
Let’s use Bob as an example. We know Bob is “someone who always goes on and on” with no room for you. You are on the Road to Know-where. You could stay on the Road to Know-where, happily “right” that he’s “the worst”, stuck in your typical reaction of numbing out. Or you could play, and perhaps find a shift into unexpected expansion and connection.
Here are a couple of Conversation Alchemy practices that you could try:
Get Present With Yourself
Remember conversation is a rapturous opera, so much of which is unknown. Start to make the unknown known by compassionately looking at yourself and getting present to what is there. Sense what you are feeling and what those feelings tell you about what you long for. Then notice your mind and what judgments and assumptions leave you with an air of righteousness
I use the word compassionate because when we get present with ourselves, we begin to see our humanity peaking through – the longing, the fear, the anger, the sadness, the stubborn refusal to be anything but right. This isn’t about changing those things as much as welcoming them.
When we bring these things into the light of curiosity, we can begin to make choices in the conversation that get us more of what we want – things like fun, freedom, connection, love, depth, meaning and play.
Get Curious About Him
Now that you’ve gently gotten curious about yourself: your thoughts, feelings, judgments and assumptions, it’s easier to get curious about Bob.
What do you think he is feeling and what does he want? If it doesn’t seem apparent, perhaps ask him. Or even if it does seem apparent, ask him. Remember, you often think you know but you may be wrong. If that doesn’t get you anywhere, ask a bold question that brings in the imagination or humor.
The idea is to play and see what emerges while using compassion for self and other to hold righteousness at bay.
Don’t be Trapped Defenses
It takes finesse and practice to ask questions that open the conversation, and sometimes these attempts can instead evoke defenses, especially if you haven’t taken the time to compassionately check in with yourself.
Don’t be trapped by Bob’s defenses by defending yourself because righteousness usually leads to more righteousness. Instead, get genuinely curious. What’s upsetting about what I just asked? And then bring in gratitude for his honesty and for the courage it took for you to move beyond your normal response to Bob.
Working with the unknown is not for the faint of heart.
It may initially feel like work to step off the Road to Know-where and into the unknown. But over time, it becomes playful and gratifying to get present and curious with what is in the conversation for yourself and others. Perhaps if you use these tools over time, some of these challenging conversations will brighten and blossom into deep and vibrant relationships. That is our hope.